Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
