my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
do nipples grow back?
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