Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
