Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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