your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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