She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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