I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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