All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
