he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
