I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
