I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
did i walk over a car last night?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
