i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
