my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
