And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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