I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
