I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Oh god it's open bar.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
