Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
