True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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