Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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