I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
