weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize
