Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
