Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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