Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
