I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
