It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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