I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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