he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
