My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
