I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
