the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
