I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats