So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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