Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
