i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
