Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Randomize
