By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
