My sheets look like a crime scene.
no, he came in my armpit
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
