I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I just gift wrapped bread.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
