I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I accidentally burped into my bong.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
