my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
