I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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