I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
