I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
