Betty ford says i'm here all night
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Randomize
