if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
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