you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
We were destined to go to rehab together
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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