the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
