i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
not ubering you a puppy
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
