I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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