I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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