trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
