i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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