I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
