On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
