imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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