tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
