Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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