I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
