Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
